wifi.

Fallen from the usual amenities and conveniences that are most likely necessary for existence... right now I do not write.  I do not do most things I used to do, rather I fill my time pondering my own self worth.  The existence of my self is as the ebb and flow of the tide... cycling through each day and season with consistency.  Asking the universal flow for a faster and more efficient way to process this essential being...cells collide to form a combination of matter that is my flesh and bone. "What is it that you want?". Saying to you and seeking what is given, still I long for a past encounter to reclaim my soul but I would suppose that "love the one you're with" is more appropriate. Choosing to be here is the choice and the warm sun floods my skin; the chill in the air will wait.

dulce de leche.

unexpected was the day when i awoke to the cancellation of my return. i no longer needed to pack my things... instead i went to the beach. unbelievable and ever so delicate is the ocean with her ways, this day was crystal clear and full of sea life.  watching a half moon rise over the horizon, dolphins play in the shore break and sting rays surf the waves, i spent my time wading in the calmest of manner, in disbelief that it was real.  i hope one day to capture this moment on canvas... or paper... or instrument of sound.  only time will tell how it will project itself.  soaking up sunshine and pretty smiles from a lovely lady that loves me all the while... her wishes of my presence, i am convinced, kept me here. 

hard to leave a place the feels more right than ever, i had to rest my eyes and thoughts for too long... a sunset was missed or just barely caught as i made my way to the oceanside jazz bar.  the strangest falling star caught my attention in the sky at dusk... no other star present except this bright one that fell straight to the ground.  i began to think of dark thoughts, captured again by the moon and distracted just moments later by the night's talent.  always welcomed by the drummer and attention caught by all the local faces... even this night has a violin.  as if the songs were for me, i tried to absorb all the vibration that was placed in such close proximity and remembered the cycle of repeat that is my "trip home."

changed and simmered from a summer that is only fourteen days keeps me from dragging out or dragging on, now a darker shade of olive and a brighter shade of personality... i am one with my sweet self and hope to carry this to another life that seems all too far away. 

wish me luck, sweet love.  

wish you were here.

time passes at a speed that is a whirlwind of good vibes and friendly engagements.  i am unsure of my reasoning for leaving this island in the first place, but i suppose that once you go you return with a fresh perspective. it was hard to leave the one i choose to love, alone, on the lonely west coast.  he was uneasy and caused tangles of insecurity over the whole trip.  i took this as a chance to practice self preservation and tried not to let him upset my beautiful smile.  instead i woke up early and swam with mother earth in her caribbean style sea, laid in the shining rays, danced with my best female counter parts and combed the sand in a southern region.  taking time for myself to become at peace, visiting new places in old victorian homes and listening to my favorite bands play their best songs upon my request.  this time was blissful and many things have... and haven't changed.  i have.  i feel new and vibrant.  my skin is a more familiar color and my hair still curls better dipped in sea salt.

i ponder the thought of next time before i've already left.  maybe even begin to envision the fall here with someone special.  it is too soon to say and honestly my truth is untold because it isn't really up to me anyway.  until then i say a prayer that my purpose becomes unfolded in a way that allows me to have personal, emotional security and the bravery to say how i feel. amen.

divide.

over time we have changed.
we have grown together, we have grown... apart.
our time was once a bright one, a good memory that will most likely be
forgotten... remembered, reminisced and reencountered.

for all it's worth... i still dream of you.
i still wonder what it is that draws me in
draws me near to your charm-ing effort
to keep me away. what else is there to say
but
"what if?"

what if we kept this fire burning
what if we kept this thing alive
what if we were to be forever
what if we gave it all away
what if we said goodbye


would i feel the stabbing pain that is
heartache

or would i feel free to be my true
self once again.

this time is sharp and slices like a knife
one with a serrated edge that isn't like
a clean cut,
but rather a ripping out of my vital life force
the beating, pounding, bloody pulp that
keeps me alive.

confidence.

having the faith to believe that you are enough.
having the strength to believe that you are a perfect reflection of yourself.
having the desire to believe that each day is a challenge meant to build your foundation.
having the will to accept your feelings and those of others with understanding and compassion.

confidence
is built
and broken
and built
and broken
and built
and broken
and built
and broken
and built.

heartache.

when you are in love, the things you do are questionable. chemicals in your brain that once flooded your soul with butterflies and glitter... now cause you to go weak and fall to the ground. he hurts me. he hurts me in ways that i can't even begin to fathom. i can't seem to get a grasp why he makes me feel so alone and even at times soul sucked. last night i wished that i was dead... as i wandered by myself the streets of long beach... walking miles of circles, close to midnight i walked the dangerous, dark shoreline that we used to embrace with each other. one single pink rose i picked for myself... only the stars were shining back at me. tears continued to fall and i yelled out into the busiest of streets, ocean blvd, where no one gives a fuck about me... a small girl crying. "why can't i express myself?!" i screamed... more saline follows. "WHY?!" it seems impossible and i consider just walking out into this mess of cars and ending the worldly possession of this body... maybe in heaven i will have my artistic freedom. just maybe... but i have to pass through... and i'm pretty sure that God wouldn't exactly be so happy with me choosing that ending. hm. the dead inside feeling keeps going, and will continue on throughout the following day. dead inside. nothing i do is right. i am broken.

in case you were wondering...

"ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7

speaking loud to my true self and letting what is to come... arrive. once upon a time i was a southern girl walking the shores of an east coast world. in an act of courage, i decided to step away from what was "safe" and move to an unknown land without a clue... or idea of what the future holds. i learned by faith, trust and pure adherence to this unknown that what i had done was my path and i must keep walking. i must keep treading the waters that some days seem endless... all in hopes of finding my true calling, my true love and my true passion. many efforts, tears and years later i have the opportunity to open up... to have a space that is all ours to create the vision that persists in my mind. i have the opportunity to make my dreams become a reality and all the words and worlds collide. with help from the most powerful and abundant source within, i have faith that our Father does indeed provide. i ask in the most humble prayer that all sources will be realized and the universal abundance will call my name... eagerly to answer, "i am ready". xoxo